The Man that Tried to Save the World Before He Could Save Himself.

She was the very first person to hold me - and I, the last to hold her. It took a humbling disease & 133 songs later to realize I hadn't fully processed the grief of my sisters passing. Tabatha wasn’t just my sister, she was my closest - and in many ways a mother to me. She was safe, creative... she smelt like home. Her passing from a long battle with colon cancer, shined a spotlight on my physical, emotional & mental health. I wanted to figure out what this, “sickness” was. I dove deep into learning more about the body and how many of us have a tendency to not feel things fully. When we don’t express emotion, the nervous system & fascia saves the trauma in the body. Over time, these emotions create blockages. These blockages turn into physical manifestations of the unprocessed trauma. I started to understand the deeper underlining truth to why we have disease & illness in the body and was convinced to find a solution to all of this madness. As a writer/musician I felt I had a duty to help those who are hurting, to provide some sort of tool of assistance.

The week after her funeral, I created an idea called, “Energy Hospital” at the time it was really just me sitting on TikTok Live for 6 hours a day playing my guitar for people. But it had quickly grown into a wonderful on-line community full of people that felt safe to share what they were going through. Many of these lives consisted of people commenting their struggles and while I’d play my guitar in a key/progression that would encourage them to process emotions and hopefully let go or release whatever they were holding in. I decided to open up an offering for people to reach out and request a custom song. Within a month I had 39 song requests. They would reach out to me and share what they were having trouble with, many spoke about abuse, physical pain. Many spoke of deep sadness and grief. The goal was to compose a song curated to the specific person with the hopes of creating something they can go back to and over time use to release the pain they were harnessing. I wrote 133 songs for 133 incredible people all over the world. Brazil, Africa, Canada, all over Europe and in the United States. The endeavor took nearly 3 years to complete. Some of the songs I released under my artist name, “St. Finnikin” so that the rest of the world could enjoy them as well. A few of them over the years have become pretty big staples in my music career - songs like, “Grateful” & “I Surrender” have been able to reach the hearts of many. Of the 133 songs, I released nearly a third of them under these albums: “Pupa” “Remember” “Rejoice” “Divine” “Milk &Honey.” All of these albums are available on all streaming platforms.

Though I was deeply touched by what Energy Hospital had become, in recent years it has occurred to me that this company and idea was my own way of trying to run away from truly coping with my sisters death. The term, “wounded healer” would best appropriately describe me during this time. Instead of fully feeling the impact of my sisters death, I chose to help everyone else around me with their trauma. I’m sure those reading this right now can relate to this in some way or another. It seems to be a common thing - somewhere along the way we learn we should put others first. As that holds value, how can we adicuitly serve those around us if we do not first show that compassion & care towards ourself? I wish I could say I had this clarity back then, but its safe to say now that the Universe had different plans for me. Something was calling me deeper. Something was calling me inward.

I found a miracle in my inbox. It wasn’t bold like seeing someone walking on water, or witnessing a man gain his sight back. It was subtle, it was friendly - it was an invitation. An invitation to something much larger than I could ever dream. Mat & Ash, former authors of the viral best selling self-help book, “The Inner Work” sent me an email expressing their love and appreciation towards my music. They had been following my music for years seeing the, “Energy Hospital” songs I was sharing. Songs for worthiness, purpose, forgiveness & strength. Seeing the common thread in their most recent book, which offers a remarkable breakdown of the human emotions and how they correlate to the themes of consciousness.They reached out to commission a full length album written for the Inner Work, each song written from the 15 themes discussed in their book. Starting from shame, into guilt, hopelessness, loss and fear and upwards to higher themes of grace, compassion, inner peace and love. Similarly to what I was doing for Energy Hospital but in a formatted way. They sent me a book as I wanted to read thoroughly and see if the project was a good fit. After the first few chapters I already knew this was aligned. It felt like I already wrote the album. In a way, now that I think about it, I did - just for other people. This was a chance to really revisit areas of my life that I pushed down and buried. Almost like the universe was giving me apersonal invitation to go back and really process things I had yet to sit with.I accepted the Invitation and startedthe process of writing.

I’d be lying if I said it was easy writing these songs, I much preferred writingabout other people’s emotions.Within the first month, I found out I had Chronic Lyme’s Disease and heavy Black Mold Poisoning, I had to really sit with the realization that amidst all of my studying and research on the topic of healing and the body - I had cerebrally conceptualized these things but I had yet to embody them. I had not felt them through my body. I was quickly met with, how am I going to write an album about the inner work if I haven’t fully done the inner work?Mind you, I had deeply deconstructed and excavated for nearly a decade prior to this. Deep shadow work, many ego deaths and years of reprograming and rediscovery. However, for those that have done this work - we seem to revisit becoming the “fool” again and we are humbled by this. I fully believe my dis-ease was my body trying to get my attention. I look at Lyme Disease as my inner child tugging at my shirt saying, “what about me?” The Inner Work album was a hero’s journey to explore all the nooks and crannies of my subconscious. It was the feather to wisp the dust that had settled. The dust of judgment, sadness, fear & anger. I spoke the part, I looked the part but I was dying. Literally dying. Liver was failing, skin was yellow, multiple co-infections in the kidneys, gallbladder and small intestines. Most of my muscle mass was gone. I was a brittle 120 pounds littered with heavy metals and parasites. But post Lyme, it is now clear to me that it was a part of me that was needing to die - an aspect of me that was created out of survival under conditions that I could no longer continue or maintain. Patterns, habits, beliefs etc. This was an opportunity to liberate myself from my suffering.

Through the next year of writing this album I experienced the most pain in my entire life. Hands and feet burned like fire, stinging up my arms and legs. Bones and joints ached. My blood itched and felt thick and full of sand. The combination of Lyme and Black Mold was ruthless and dark. The mold was burning my brain. Severe panic attacks, tightness in the chest from the mycotoxins. Chronic fatigue. My lungs felt 100 pounds of pressure. I felt trapped in myself. Most nights, I was curled in fetal shaking and crying out to my creator. I cant express how deeply grateful I was to have a nurse as a partner. She held immaculate space during this time and I couldn't have done this without her support and unfailing love. Her name is Jordan, and she was just that - she was my river. My water. She took me from the Dead Sea to the Sea of Galilee. She was able to find a functional medicine doctor and a TCM doctor who helped me gain strength in supporting my body with herbs, nutrients, minerals and after many detox protocols we were able to fight off the infections & parasites. The things I revisited during this Lyme journey and the writing of the album became my gateways. They were the doors to my freedom. Each song. Each theme. Each therapy session with my doctors, each cry, each scream. These have all led me back to my true self. I’m pleased to say towards the release of, “The Inner Work” album I had put Lyme in remission and healed my body from the infections & mold. Today I am still creating music, I have pivoted from writing full albums which is what I’ve been doing for the past 15 years - to releasing singles every week. I have created another artist under the name Energy Hospital that will continue releasing music under these themes which has given my main artist name, “St. Finnikin” freedom to explore all different genres. The producer in me is inspired more than ever. My goal is to reach a wider audience and continue to expand connecting with people from all over the world and different cultures. Building a massive catalog for the human experience in all of its trials and glory.

There ends to be a common thing amongst people who do this work. We live as the conditioned self until we awaken to the conditioning. When we do, we typically create another version of us. It’s important for us to create this character as it is a declaration of independence - its for lack of a better saying, on our terms. But often this character is still running programs ironically similar to the original conditions - this time created by us, not others. This is still the ego trying to survive. We have an invitation to awaken from the awakening and step into our actual true self. And this is ultimately what I believe I experienced and live through.

This isn’t easy and isn’t for the faint of heart. This work took radical honesty. It took unbelievable courage to set boundaries. It took willingness to change my thoughts & habits. But most of all, grace and divine patience - for this all takes time and I am in no rush. I’m still working with my nervous system and gut micro biome but I see definite growth and proof that we can heal ourselves, but only if we are willing to meet the inner child. The inner child that only asks to be acknowledged, seen and loved. If you are sick or feel lost. Let this be a miracle invitation to your freedom. It is a mission of mine to help those through my story, music and art - to return - to remember. You deserve to know the true essence of yourself. And in that, may you blossom boldly with fire and certainty. May all the colors of spring encourage you.

I believe in your brilliance, do you?